09 May, 2005

I was thinking of skipping my graduation...

In 5 days I will be walking across a dinky stage to be handed an extremely expensive piece of paper (personally, I have $16,000 worth of loans built up in 3 short years). Usually, people tend to be excited about their graduation from college. I, on the other hand, am not so ecstatic. In fact, I'm thinking of skipping the ceremony all together.

This has nothing to do with the actual ceremony. I think it might be pretty neat to have the piece of paper that has consumed my life for 3 long years, and will have me up to my ears in debt for the rest of my life. I'd like something for all my trouble.

No, the reason I don't think I'm going to the ceremony is simply based on who I have found out will be at graduation. Namely, my family. Any time my mother and father (divorced for 7 years now) have to be within 10 miles of each other, shit hits the fan. Now add my stepfather, sister, stepsister, and any other random family members that might decide to crash the party, and we're going to have to call the state police to maintain peace over the ceremony. Forget family for a minute. Well, you can't really. My family is pretty unforgettable. But besides the family members, I have recently found out that at least 2 of my ex-boyfriends will be at the ceremony. Neither one is a fellow graduate. One of them, we'll call him "Joshua," has not spoken to me since 2 weeks before he broke up with me (which, by the way, was also 2 months before I had planned to move 500 miles just to be closer to him).

Upon hearing this news (and by "upon" I mean after the nervous breakdown subsided), I decided that there is only two things I could do (besides skipping the ceremony) to make myself feel better.

1- Get drunk moments before the ceremony,
and
2- Casually smack "Joshua" up-side his head, and then pretend nothing happened.

So perhaps I'm not quite confrontational enough to complete number 2, but I am seriously considering number 1. I don't think a single person would blame me either (at least, a single person who knows the entire story between "Joshua" and I; but I don't want to share that story with anybody else--it just sucks).

It's decided. I figure I'll have to wake up around 7 am on Saturday. I'll begin drinking immediately. I'll have a beer with breakfast (shit, probably a beer for breakfast). I'll drive the 45 minutes over the mountain to the school, and continue drinking during the drive (hey, if I get arrested for drunk driving, at least I'll get to miss the ceremony). Graduates must report on campus at 9 (for a 10 am graduation). I will still be drinking at this point. I'll stop drinking about 5 minutes to 10. That will insure that I am drunk before the ceremony, during the ceremony, and after the ceremony (because I will begin drinking again as soon as the tassels are turned and the caps are tossed). I think it's a brillant plan.

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